Me, Myself & I

I’m Not Trying?

I have very few people in my every day life that I feel I can talk to about the things I try. As my anxiety tends to keep me locked up in my house most days the only place I go is work and even though I usually love my work colleagues they tend to be very judgemental.

Any time I have tried to diet in the past they are scrutinising everything I eat and shaking their heads or rolling their eyes when it’s not an apple but at that time I was quite thin and had lost just over 2 stone. When I first started doing NaNoWriMo (National Novel Writing Month) back in 2016 they laughed and made jokes one of them saying something along the lines of “the day you become an author I’ll go out and buy a hat especially to eat it!” but I managed to finish the first draft of two novels. When I told them we were taking Roxy in after my Nana passed away they told me they didn’t think I’d be able to handle a dog and said they gave it 2 weeks before she ended up in a rescue home – this one especially upset me – here we are a year and a bit later and Roxy is well groomed, well fed, gets a walk at least once a day and has lost the weight the vet said could’ve sent her to an early(ish) grave.

I know you shouldn’t really just assume that the people you work with will be supportive but as this is all I have ever been with them it makes me wonder why they not only under estimate me but put me down almost constantly. I have spent 38 hours a week with them for most weeks these past 6 years and what I noticed lately is that in the past year or so. I have stopped talking about the things I am trying.

I don’t mind keeping things quiet from them, I can still talk to family and my closest friends and if I need another outlet I have this little patch of the world to do it but I do think it’s affected me and the amount of gusto I put into new ventures. These women come to me when they have success or failure in their personal lives yet their actions/reactions have made me feel so distanced that I refuse to do the same.

Before I would bring my laptop to work so I could write towards a novel on my lunch breaks, I would journal about my recovery at break times or I’d ask them their advice about ways to make certain meals healthier. Now I hide everything as if I am ashamed of what I am trying to do with my life. Trying to keep up the facade that I’m not trying is more exhausting than just trying.

My confidence and self esteem feels like it is on the floor, I find I’ve even started assuming I’ll fail now before I’ve even started too. It’s not all them I hear when I set a new venture into motion anxiety is another little voice blending in but I do often wonder how much more effort I would put in without feeling like people expect me to only ever fail.

Since March I have been trying to work on how I receive judgements but I feel like I’m not making much progress – any tips welcome! I think most people will be able to relate but I’ve always found it easier to think the people who don’t believe in me are right.  I want to stop holding back and to celebrate each win I get unreservedly. I know it’s only natural to want some level of acceptance and approval from people we are around a lot but what I need to start doing is trusting my own judgement more and believing in myself.

This mental health Monday post has been somewhat of a ramble but I just wanted to get it off my chest and  the rambling has actually helped me sort some of my thoughts out in my mind.

Advertisements

8 thoughts on “I’m Not Trying?

  1. OH, LOVELY. I can relate to this so much, especially with the eating. I hate it when you hit a bump and eat something not so healthy and someone comes out with “I thought you were on a diet” or some equivalent. Ugh, get out of here and let me eat my cupcake in peace.

    Here’s what I know about you from our conversations: you are capable of so much more than you, or even these other people, give yourself credit for. You are wonderful, kind and can write beautifully. You have lots of talent inside of you and, just because things don’t go smoothly or other things get in the way and you do not always fulfil things at that time, it doesn’t mean anything. I mean, it takes something to try in the first place, in my opinion.

    Forget those people. You know why? There are some people in this life who don’t like to see other’s success. It’s all good when it’s them, and they’re basking in their glory, but others? No chance. So, it’s nothing to do with you. The fact you may have failed in the past but get up and try again says EVERYTHING. Do not let them get into your mind. You’re trying your best and they’re just rude.

    Apologies for the rant, but it made me mad, probably because I’ve always experienced it so you got it on my behalf and yours :’) x

    Liked by 1 person

    1. If I want a doughnut dude I’ll have freaking doughnut and you can leave because I don’t need that negativity in my life – is what I want to say lol!

      Thats so sweet of you and really means alot! I have some truly amazing people in my life who tell me I can do great things my dad always told me I could do whatever I wanted in life if I just focused a little and if I focused alot I could rule the world. The thing I need to work on is when I stumble my mind goes straight to “don’t get back up those people were right you can’t do it.”

      Haha don’t worry I’m partial to a good rant myself as I’m sure you’re aware from DM’s – I had a feeling there would be others out there who do feel or have felt the same

      Liked by 1 person

      1. Well, when your mind starts misbehaving like that, that’s when you message me and we’ll drown out those thoughts together! 😀 x

        Liked by 1 person

  2. I’m sorry you’re having to deal with people like this. People who would say those kinds of things are just plain mean. Regardless of whether or not that was their opinion, to express it in that way is petty and intended to harm rather than be constructive.

    Liked by 1 person

  3. That’s a really brave and determined post you’ve written there and most of all I’m really glad that you felt it helped you. I think we spend so much time and energy thinking about other people’s thoughts, so called human nature, that it can become all consuming. I know that happens to me at times. It’s even harder when suffering from anxiety. Celebrate your wins and continue to use your blog in a positive way – processing some of the mind chatter. It’s a healthy thing to do. Thank you for sharing this x

    Liked by 1 person

  4. I’m going to be honest here… your coworkers sound like a bunch of asshats. Actually, they sound like they are counterproductive to your struggles with anxiety. My advice to you would be to not confide in them. This doesn’t mean stop talking to them or not to be friendly, but you really do not need that type of negativity in your life. You should confide in people who respect you and lift you up, not cut you down & make a joke of the things you are trying to accomplish.

    Like

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s