Me, Myself & I

A Letter to my brain

Tagged by the wonderful Ruth In Revolt 

Dear Friend (?),

I was going to wait till Monday to write to you but after everything that’s happened lately and especially today I feel I really need to reach out to you now!

You found some real clarity earlier this year but I can feel you going cloudy again. I can’t help feel this is my fault, I’m not really allowing you to get clarity because I’m far too busy trying to shut you up and tell you that you’re making a big deal out of nothing – we both know that’s not true though. I’m sorry for repressing you.

In the past few months you have had one family member go through some tests as it was suspected something was seriously wrong, you had another family member worry you regarding their mental health, you yourself have had to work on the anxiety of going through a battery of tests at the dr’s and hospital to find out why after 31 months we haven’t conceived yet, you have had a dr tell you that he can’t find your left ovary and then refuse to answer any questions because he is not your consultant and after a very sudden turn of events you have had to make the difficult decision to have our beloved Roxy put down and you are now racked with guilt.

Laying it on the table I can see why you’re getting cloudy and heavy again. You have tried to put some positivity out there onto Twitter and to take it on board but I can’t help but feel the foundation of our recovery is starting to crumble.

We’re supposed to be a team but I just feel like all my life we’ve been at constant loggerheads! Can I be honest with you now, and I hope my vulnerability here will entice you to meet me halfway; I’m exhausted with fighting with you all the time, I’m drained with telling you how wrong you are to feel how you feel and I’m frustrated with always making you anxious and stressed because of these fights we have.

I’m scared, really scared. If you can promise to try your best to get me through the next few months and find ways to pull us through I promise I will try my best not to fight you every step of the way.

All my love always,

K….. (a.k.a Fairy Kissed Daisy)

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11 thoughts on “A Letter to my brain

  1. Oh, lovely, you have been through so much and, while it’s bound to knock you back, I still believe you will get up again, stronger than before. I’m truly sorry to hear about Roxy, because losing a pet is always hard, especially when you’re already in a vulnerable place but know it took incredible strength to make such a difficult decision, and it’s that strength which will eventually pull you through these trying times.

    If you ever need to let it all out, please feel free to message me and lean on me for support. I know you have people around you who are there for you, too, so I hope you can find some comfort in them.

    Sending you lots of love!

    Liked by 1 person

      1. No problem at all, lovely. Just feel free to reach out whenever you feel ready to if you want to chat. And know I 100% believe in you. ❤️

        Liked by 1 person

  2. What a post! 😩

    Your journey has had so many hills without a rest babe, that I just want to say that I’m here for you.
    It’s good to write things down like this and to somewhat analyse parts of it to see if you and your mind can try work in unison with one another babe.

    I’m sorry about Roxy and the doctors 😦 remember the good times with Roxy. And also note that it’s ok to be sad about it. Grief has NO time period.

    Also that grief will affect your body. You’re grieving for something you hadn’t been aware of and are still seeking answers. Just let yourself know it’s ok to be sad. It’s ok to be mad. It’s ok to feel like you want to sit in bed all day, IT IS OK.
    Keep your loved ones and cheerleaders close by.
    And if you need another pompom holder, I’m here x

    Like

    1. Thank you, I was putting off this letter to my brain post but after yesterday I felt I needed to write it down and it helped. I’m trying not to give myself a hard time but I’m finding it difficult.
      I know I’ll get through this its just a lot to take in and in such a short period of time. X

      Like

  3. This was beautifully written. You have been through so much and yet you are still doing everything in your power to keep moving forward. Im so proud of you. Thank you for sharing this with all of us.
    Nikki O.
    Her Daring Thoughts

    Liked by 1 person

  4. My heart aches for you my friend. I am so sorry that you have had to deal with so much in such quick succession.

    Do you have a follow up with your doctor? Or will you be getting a second opinion? Don’t lose hope. I have watched so many of my friends go through infertility for years and years. I cannot imagine the emotional drain it is on you.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. I have a follow up with the Drs in September and between our last consultation in May and then we were given a lot of tests to go through. Almost done with all the tests now so the september appointment will be to review all the results and hopefully come up with a plan going forward. It is quite draining emotionally but I just keep forcing myself to be hopeful. Looking at other peoples journeys we are still so early into things despite trying for 2 and a half years.

      Liked by 1 person

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