I have been feeling so overwhelmed lately. For the last part of 2015, all of 2016 and 2017 I struggled to just simply get out of bed and out the house. This year I’ve worked so hard to work on that and I’ve got so much better at it so for this I am super proud of the work I’ve put in to get here.
In the last week or so I’ve realised how much I have going on at the moment I’m finding it really crushing me. We have been accepted for a house so we will be taking the next steps towards that in the next few days and this is scary in itself being the biggest purchase we will ever make but I have thousands of fears and questions buzzing around my mind that are making me feel uneasy.
In the last month or so I have been told by my driving instructor that I’m close to being ready for my test which is pretty great because I’m so desperate to start driving but I failed my theory test and now I’m worried to attempt it again. Test environments are so difficult for me with my anxiety and my first experience was so stressful.
For the past 3 years me and my fiance have been trying for a baby and after struggles getting my old dr to hear me, swapping practices and finally getting a consultation earlier this year I only have one more test to have done before my consultation to see where we can go. Unfortunately the test thats left is the one that scares me the most and after my internal ultrasound/scan showing my left ovary is missing but the guy doing it refusing to repeat this or confirm what he’d said I’m panicing that our chances are slipping away. Then I worry that if there is something they can do what if I wasnt meant to be a mother, all I’ve wanted throughout my life is to have a family of my own and everyone tells me I would make an incredible mum but what it the universe is trying to tell us we shouldnt be parents.
So with moving, passing my practical and theory test and one more test and a consultation all in the cards for the next 2 / 3 months I’m starting to feel like I can’t breath. My chest feels constantly tight and my eye twitch has come back and is pretty much constantly there.
I need to be making more time for shelf care and to talk to the people around me who I trust instead of keeping it all contained with myself. I feel like it’s a lot of big steps after I’ve only just got to a good place with the little steps like getting out of bed and going out.
I’m thinking of easing back into twitter and then slowly back into blogging but I’m not going to push it if it starts to feel too much. It just feels like it could help to take my mind off things and get back to some kind of normal.