I think I’ve mentioned before that I’ve kept my blog and social medias relating to my blog a bit of a secret from everyone who knows me in real life. My fiance and my younger brother know I have a blog but they don’t know what it’s called or what I post.
I have been wanting to do insta-stories for a while now so I posted a short one yesterday and then a longer one this morning and my heart fell through my a** before racing like crazy when I saw that one of my cousins had viewed it! I quickly set my blogs insta-gram back to private, removed her from my followers and proceeded to dry heave for about half an hour before getting myself ready for work.
It’s not that what I’m posting is bad, a lie or embarrassing it’s just that I’m not ready for the reaction of people I know. The only two people I wouldn’t be too bothered about viewing things are my fiance and my younger brother as I know they are always judgement free and supportive but everyone else is a question mark I don’t want to explore.
Apart from massive paranoia over how on earth this cousin found my blog instagram in the first place the situation has also got me thinking a lot more about myself and why this had such a negative affect on me, I was physically shaking with fear. I guess the only conclusion I’ve come up with is that perhaps I’m not as comfortable with myself as I think. Or perhaps I’m only comfortable when I know the people who would judge me the most (family, friends, work colleagues) can’t see who I really am.
Isn’t that a really sad way to live though? I’d love to just say fudge it and share everything with them and not care how they react but the sad truth is I feel safer, more accepted and more looked after by this community than the one society says I should.