Me, Myself & I

Emotionless

Lately I have been feeling really disconnected from my emotions. I feel like things are happening around me and I have no reaction whatsoever everything just gets a “meh”.

I got emotional earlier this week. The bank valued the house we’re buying at lower than what we’d offered and I got panicked that the seller wouldn’t accept and we’d have to find the extra money or have to start looking all over again. I cried for about 10 minutes worrying about all the outcomes then I stopped crying almost as quickly as I’d started and I was back to nothing.

The hospital have been messing us about too with tests and appointments and everyone expects me to get angry or wound up and I’m just here like “I can’t do anything about so no point getting wound up.” I’ve been thinking that it’s a good thing that I’m taking things in my stride but if it comes at the cost of not being bothered by any of the good things too.

Last year, in the lead up to my darkest days in December I felt so low I was constantly wishing to have a break and I’m grateful I am not there anymore but I’m quite scared now that I’ll never feel anything again. I miss excitement the most; excitement over a new idea or a new book.

I’m not on medication at the minute because I feel okay with my recovery but the emotional numbness I’ve got is similar to when I was on antidepressants.

I find it makes me quiet and more reserved too. I would get involved with conversations a little more at work but now I feel myself hanging back a little. There are 2 people there who tend to say things like “oh yeah I’ve noticed you’re really down lately” or “I know when theres something wrong” and they clearly don’t because I’m not upset. I don’t like that kind of talk because it feels more like they are trying to prove to others that they know me rather than wanting to listen to what I might actually be feeling.

Have any of you ever felt emotionally distant from yourselves? If you have what do you suggest I try to get myself back to normal

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